Monday, April 26, 2010

Look out Florida! Arizona wants to be the crazy state!

Making a bid to out-crazy Florida, Arizona signs a new law called "we're crazy, somewhat Nazi, definitely" Basically, if a police officer has reason to believe someone is in the country illegally they detain that person.

About 31% of Arizona's population is of Latin or Hispanic decent. I cannot find the statistics but I'm fairly certain that 1 or 2 police officers must have recently checked a box other than "white" on the census form.

I hope they start detaining every single white person they come across and hold them under the suspicion that they are illegally in the country from Canada. I mean, let's face it Arizona, you are filled with crazy old white people who, just a few months ago, claimed that Canadians were coming to your state in search of health you have the means to round those fuckers up and arrest the shit out of them.

Another idea to really piss off white republicans - everyone learn and use Spanish exclusively. Listen I love Thomas Jefferson as much as the next guy but just because he said we needed a national language doesn't mean we should all get to have 225 slaves does it? Everyone is wrong sometimes and Jefferson may have been wrong about the language thing (he surely was NOT wrong about the religion stuff.)

Here is the real fucking deal. All of the issues you look at today are connected in so many ways, yet American fail to see that. "Mexicans are taking our jobs!! And they ain't payin taxes!!!" Okay, first thing first, they are paying taxes, income taxes paid by employers and sales taxes, but guess what, they don't get to use Social Security or DBI or Medicare, so it's almost a bonus for us. Unless they're paid under the table which is the business owners fault (9.2% of Arizona business are owned by Latin/Hispanic, so they are a 10th to blame there.)

Well, it's the illegal drugs. Right, so remind me why they are illegal? Because it's keeping people from using them? No. Because the government shouldn't make money off a death industry...well no, they tax the shit out of cigarettes and alcohol (both contain DRUGS by the way.) So why don't we legalize it? Because the population of white fucktards who are over 50 and now somehow think weed has changed since they smoked it.

Our society is now at the point where most people alive today have smoked weed at one point in their lives. It's illegal because that keeps our jails in business. Of course Arizona is trying to privatize all their prisons, some already are. So we make money...or no wait, we have to pay them money, but they pay taxes back it seems like we are continually electing the stupidest members of our society to office.

Of course Mexicans (at this point I'm going to stop pretending the new law is targeting anyone else) are coming to this country because NAFTA taught them how great America is!! That or it completely destroyed their agricultural know, other than weed. It's now cheaper for Mexicans to buy corn from the US than to grow their own. Thanks to our good pals at Monsanto and our "change" president, not to mention the 2 brahs before him.

The financially poor, the lower middle class, lower class minions of the republican party actually listen, while their life savings disappear, to their leaders telling them that "spreading the wealth" will hurt their chances of being rich. Listen to me very carefully, if you're a fat, white, middle-american-dwelling, citizen who has used the word "nigger" outside of quoting somebody else in disgust you will NEVER BE RICH. Look around, do you see rich people in your neighborhood? No, you know why? No, because you're stupid, which will also hurt your bid for money in the future. So let's not reform the financial system...big government is bad, just the way W. tripled the size.

I'm not saying republicans are to blame, I'm saying stupid white people are always to blame. Fucking ALWAYS! Now, I'm proud to be white...small penises are easy to carry around, moderate jumping skills keep me from ceiling fans, and my perceived ability to think comes in handy too, but in the long run we really are the ass hole race. We ruin countries for a living. Obama is white because, I'm not sure if you knew this but, since 9/11 and since immigrantgate blacks are now white...sorry guys. Guess you won't be getting that 40 acre/mule package we promised.

tl;dr: White people don't like sharing. So we ruin the world for everyone else. Arizona is old and stupid. We could fix problems but that would stop people from being so stupidly rich that they'll never spend all of their money. Obama is white.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I don't review things all that often, every now and again I'll stop by Yelp to read reviews but I've also heard that Yelp is a racket and it's all bull shit when you get right down to the heart. Basically I look at the pictures that have been submitted and decide for myself if I'd like to go wherever it is I am considering. But I buy records from time to time and I happened upon a great one recently.

On record store day I went and set up some Function: Alternative Energy Strawberry Guava Margaritas, at Origami Vinyl, it was crazy. There were a ton of people floating in and out, catching some live music in the loft and buying up albums at discounted prices. I got a little drunk and left my set up there. The following day I had to work at a Costco in Torrance. When I got back home from there I immediately fell asleep and didn't pick up my shit.

That Monday I went down to pick up a table, an ice barrel, and some other random things so I decided to buy an album as well. Usually the wall is reserved for the special albums, it is where I bought the Dum Dum Girls, The Thermals, and a few other albums, new releases, limiteds, etc. Then in the bins are an eclectic collection of indie music for hipsters. That Monday, after record store day wrecked havoc on inventory I was looking at 5-6 different Pantera albums on the wall. Perhaps I picked the wrong day to buy an album but I can't help but just buy one when my heart is set on it.

Looking for a few albums I've been wanting but are never there; The Bees, Welcome Wagon, or Noah and the Whale (all "summer" albums to me.) Not only where those albums not there, neither were any that I really wanted. It was time to shop by cover art only. I guess they're famous and shit but I had never heard of "fun." but I bought it and let me tell you, it's a fucking party.

I threw it in and started to shake my hips a little, my feet started to swim around my kitchen and minutes into the first song the dogs where jumping at me as I danced around my apartment as though I was an extra on Fame.

It's like Elton John were born in 1984, he got caught up in the indie-pop scene of Olympia and moved to Portland at the age of 21, he kicked around for a while until he finally met a man around the same age. His name was Freddy Mercury. Freddy had just arrived from Athens, Georgia and was looking for a band that matched up with his pop-sensibility...this is what I think of when I think of fun. Even though their name sort of pisses me of, being lowercase, with a period, and so easy to use in the describing of the band itself...oh well.

One of the owners of OVinyl, who took my $, said something like; "nice, I can't believe this copy made it through record store day." I agreed as if I had some fucking clue who they were. I paid, drove home, and just like magic there was Freddy and Elton...sort of.

Other albums I bought without knowing who the band was, that worked out:
- Ween, Chocolate and Cheese (this album got me into non-radio music)
- Ryan Adams, Demolition (got me to explore alt-country)
- Avett Brothers - 4 Thieves (now my favorite band in the world)

Pretty good track record so far.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


It's 4/20 and if there is one thing I am not, it's an expert...of anything. It simply makes sense to me that weed be legalized. Personally, I have smoked in the past, probably more than most people but it plays no role in my everyday life. There are several studies on the harmful effects, from what I can gather it has mostly been for naught.

There are a few things that I think make perfect sense though;
  1. Letting out of jail, all minor drug offenders would save a turd-load of money.
  2. Taxing the sale of marijuana would earn the government a lot of money.
  3. Stopping a major drug trade would surely stop money going to drug lords.
  4. Weed doesn't really hurt people.
  5. Prohibition doesn't work.
Prohibition is essentially a way of the government saying; "don't do this, or okay, do it but you're breaking the law." Why are alcohol and tobacco legal? Why are handguns (mostly) legal? It's my libertarian streak, which admittedly is pretty small, but I believe all drugs should be legal and we should work to treat the addicted. Although, judging by the way our government helps smokers out, we would certainly fail at that too. Fuck it, let people kill themselves on drugs then...just tax them on the way to the grave.

I'm not a higher tax kind of guy but this isn't income tax we are talking about. If we could offer more social services by making drugs legal go forward! The problem is, we would probably just bomb Iran, if we had the extra capital laying around. But tax talk is for tomorrow.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Case For Detroit

Have you ever seen the movie About Schmidt? It is one of the many movies I bought on the $1-$5 rack at a Blockbuster Video, that is, before Blockbuster became the Detroit, MI of chain stores. It never made sense to me that I could rent a movie for about $3, watch it once, not really like it, be too pissy to want to go back to the video store, accrue late fees and end up spending $25 on a night of disappointment. Just remembering large chunks of my life is free and equally upsetting.

Why not just by the shit movie and become angry on your own time. Remember, someone put up millions of dollars to have these movies made...fucking stupid isn't it? Well, AS wasn't really all that awful but Jack Nicholson and his wife in the movie had a plan to tour the country in an RV, it's always something I've wanted to do myself...someday.

Timing is everything in life, I believe that almost 50% of the time - which is a lot for me, I think...I don't really know. Anyway, I had a plane ticket to go to New Orleans, that same weekend Katrina hit, I'm planning on going back this year. Sometime I really want to see Missoula, Portland, Seattle, Chicago, Nashville, the list goes on, but there is no city in America that is as interesting to me as Detroit. I have many questions about this city.

It seems as though Detroit will become the first American city to go completely bust and eventually downsize into a suburbs only community mesh. Those suburbs will grow, the buildings will be repurposed, people will flock back to the city and suddenly we'll all hear about how, "Detroit is back!" or "Detroit is making a huge comeback." But the people who remember how the city was during it's peak would likely say that Detroit is gone forever. But how does that happen?

Motor City and at the same time Motown! The only major US city (although 'major' may be in jeopardy) that looks south on Canada. It's a sports city; the Red Wings are one of the original NHL teams and as far as I know they are still amazing (I don't know very far,) the Tigers (MLB,) Pistons (NBA,) and if you're looking for something as luck-lorn as the city itself look no further than their NFL team the Lions. But none of this interests me all that much.

Just quickly glancing at the population you can see that while the city and metro section's population has dropped off considerably the region hasn't taken the same hit. Yes, the US car industry is slow to move and has been left behind by the rest of the world, so jobs left but people, 5+ million actually, still mean Detroit when they say; "I'm going into the city." That is what made me really interested in seeing the city for myself.

The media is shit. There is no way around the fact that they, as a body, don't serve the population. (It may be our fault for buying US Weekly over the local paper but nonetheless the media as a whole are feeding into their own failures.) The way we see Detroit on TV or on the internet is as a wasteland. Empty buildings that are falling apart, boarded houses, empty lots, just depressing shit. But we are never shown the areas that are still cool. I don't know if they exist but I have to imagine that they do. Yes, people have flocked to the suburbs but that doesn't mean there are hold outs who will tell you about the great things the city still offers.

I spend a good deal of time on reddit where may a Detroit post goes up and every single time there is a comment about how much better the city actually is, than gets credit for being. Now, I would still defend Albany, NY to people because I spent time there but not always with the fervor I seen on reddit. So who is going to do that story? Who is going to show us the hip bars near the river where white 20-30 somethings hang out after work? Who is going to show us where the hipsters are living? You know they are there...the city is ripe for hipster takeover.

Someday, when Detroit has been downsized there will be vinyl shops, microbrew infested dark pubs, little stages in 50 seat venues where bands will emerge again. My prediction is that Detroit will again become a music haven, just not Motown. This time it'll be white kids in tight pants. They will bring life back to the city and claim to have been there through the bad times, when in fact, they just moved from Williamsburg, Echo Park, Asheville, Mobile, or some other music city.

I just hope I get there for a visit before someone spills hipster into the city.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Skip this.

There is an air of unease today and it's made all the worse by the fact that there is no real reason for it.

132 or so people were arrested yesterday at the Dodger's opening home game, I can almost smell the peanuts from the living room of my apartment. I could certainly have heard the gun shot yesterday had I been home for it, that wasn't from the stadium, instead it was on my corner. Walking my dogs on their (nearly) final walk of the night at about 11:30 there was a triple flash of a very odd green light that was accompanied by some sort of War of the World's noise - this incident remains little more than just another mystery to me today. I've searched online, helicopters and sirens followed within minutes yet the online community has been silent.

Laying back down in bed to snuggle up with some YouTube conspiracy videos, I was quickly heading for sleep. The videos are not an every night thing for me, especially this brand, but I was in a certain mood so I embraced it. A little while after starting my videos my dog jumped up into bed with me and rested her head on my arm. There was a few minutes left to the day before I shut my computer and closed my eyes, so I let her stay there.

Sleep wouldn't come. No matter what I tried. Eventually she started shaking and moving around a lot so I had to bring her back outside for a quick piss. For what it's worth I woke up at about 6am today but I went to sleep at about 2:30. Or that's my guess for when I actually fell asleep.

Perhaps there is an answer why I've been in such a strange mood today but I've been known to get less sleep. I feel almost empty today, not tired. Fuck it. I'll just try again tomorrow I suppose.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Jesse Ventura. Awesome? I think yes.



I didn't really screen these, I just love listening to this guy. I don't agree with everything he says but I agree with most of it and the parts where I don't, the way he delivers it makes up for it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Why has nobody figured out the Donald Trump has obviously had hair flap surgery? For the amount that people talk (or did talk) about his hair when he comes into the news nobody ever suggests the obvious. I looked at pictures of hair flapping a few months ago and it is easily the answer.

After my leg bull shit I started losing my hair. Initially I had no interest in using gels or liquids so I figured I'd just let it get to a certain point, save a shit load of money and fap. Once done with that I would flap. After seeing the pictures I decided to just try Rogain. I used it for about a month and my hair stopped falling out. Then I got a girlfriend, stopped using it altogether and my hair has actually grown back. That isn't supposed to happen but I guess it was just stress that was making my hair fall out.

With the flapping they basically cut a chunk of your scalp off along the side of your head, fold it over the balding part and bam, you have hair again. The problem is that the hair continues to grow in the same direction that it has always grown, giving you crazy parts and generally weird looking hair. Donald Trump fits the bill. Yet, no part of me cares, at all.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

No idea.

May day involves several, 20+, interactions a day, all of which last about 2-5 minutes. Other than that I'm alone in my car and trapped in my head. It's usually a series of 5-15 minute drives. Because my thoughts are always being broken up I usually become fixated on a few thoughts that come and go throughout the week. The pace to my life is frenzied from about 7am - 5pm, at which point it slows down....way the fuck down. For whatever reason though, my mind does not.

Years ago, I asked my friends what my most annoying habit was and Kyle told me it's that I come up with lots of big ideas and do nothing with them. He was as right then as that statement still is today. I feel a great part of that is due to my in-and-out job carrying over into the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love my job. I really can't imagine doing anything else but there are times when I work from sun up to sun down and it'll drive anyone crazy. I've made, in the past months, an effort to put it away at a certain time. That may mean 8pm one night and 5pm the next night. This blog is one way I put away work - it's probably the only reason I have it in the first place.

Today, a recurring theme in my brain was all the big ideas that have come and gone or still linger. Do you have ideas that have rested just on the sidelines for years? Why aren't you doing them? What is your excuse? Do you live by the 'why put of until tomorrow what you can put off until next week' model?

It's funny because at work I always just do it now. I hate saying that I'll come back and finish something, rather than just taking care of it right then and there. That part of work does not carry over.

Monday, April 5, 2010

My Seder

Somewhere around 4th grade we start cultivating our sense of humor based on the scenario of someone standing in front of a group of people, of the same age, and speaking. We all learn what jokes work with our small surrounding group, which jokes can be said a little louder to entertain a slightly larger scope, and if you are at all like me which jokes will work for the lecturer themselves so that they may be shouted across the entire room. I was always the one who made the teacher laugh and my peers think, "he's stupid." Growing up either my jokes froze or my sense of humor reverted because now I feel like my jokes would entertain 4th graders best of all.

Sadly, we rarely get the opportunity to put this learned skill to work. Maybe some of us get the opportunity to go watch TED Talks and we quietly make jokes to our neighbor. But we rarely get to test a small subsection of a larger group. For me though, I was recently given that opportunity and I had no issue jumping right back into my younger self and making fun of everything. Georgia invited me to her family's Passover Seder.

We took a seat against the wall of a nice prefab house in the West Valley, a upper class little gated community not far from where all the porn you watch is made. Little did I know that the table would be the perfect setting for being an ass hole. Little did I know what I was getting in to in the first place. I grew up Christian so we don't really talk about what holidays mean, in fact I'm pretty sure most Christians have no idea why Easter is always jumping around the calendar. The Jewish people take their shit seriously. There were 2 packets on my plate, one a song book and the other the story of Passover.

In the lead was an uncle/cousin/I can't remember. He is apparently a lawyer and likes to take charge. He would read and give assignments out. I was asked to read a little with Georgia. Neither of us stumbled over any words so I'd say job done. The emcee was as far away from me as he could possibly be. Three tables away, opposite wall. He could see me but then again he probably didn't really give a shit if I was being a classroom comedian.

Georgia's mom explained; "There are four questions to Seder, there are four thises and four thats. Four is an important number for the Jews at Passover."

Smiling and nodding I replied; "Except for the foreskins right?" That's the only joke I really remember saying but later she explained to me that four and fore are spelled differently. She quipped back something about my having a foreskin. I didn't reply, my words were as far from my mind as my long forgotten foreskin which was chopped off some 30 years ago. Even in hindsight, where most of my best jokes live, I have nothing. It was the second time I met the woman whose daughter I'm stupidly in love with, what the fuck do you say to a question about your penis???

I really have no idea, but here are a few thoughts from the top of my head.
  1. Foreskin? Not me ma'am, my doctor was a god damned artist. My shapely head should be on display.
  2. I may not be Jewish but my penis least the first 2 inches. (Note: I have no idea how big/small Jewish penises are, so perhaps not that funny.)
  3. I was circumsized, hoping of course that a cut Christian penis could provide a spark towards bringing peace to Israel.
And it really only takes 3 examples to prove that I was best off not responding. It would have been hard to top the foreskin joke, which I was very proud of.

I do, however, love lists so here are some things to remember for your first Seder:
  1. You're going to read something so chill out on the wine.
  2. Elysia may or may not show up, but don't drink his wine.
  3. Gefilte fish may look a little weird but it's fucking tasty.
  4. Jewish people don't believe in Jesus but they believe in flat, dry, stale bread just like Christians.
  5. Slouch a little, especially if you didn't bring a pillow.
  6. Talk to all the family one by one, try to put in a little face time with all of them. They're as likely to forget you as you are them but in the long run if there is a wedding in the future there are several lawyers and producers in the room, it's best to be nice (not always true, but was for me.)
  7. Dress nice and be handsome. A good rule no matter where you are going.
  8. If asked to wear a yarmulke they've probably all seen it used to simulate a purple tit so don't bother.
As a Christian, if you are one, just be ready to convert. After 1 Seder I like it better, as a faith, already.