Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Music ruined your life

Growing up in the 90's meant I was subjected to pretty awful music; Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Stone Temple Pilots ruled the airwaves. If you were cool you knew Weezer 14 seconds before they blew up and you stuck with them until the Green Album when you realized they were never really that interesting they were just pop music with guitars, which was not otherwise played on alternative rock radio at the time.

If you think about the music that this generation spawned it's difficult to hate the actual Columbus's of the scene because their offspring was so horrible. Offspring was also horrible but that's a different story altogether, sort of, but it could be said that Nirvana was more punk than Green Day ever was and Offspring was ushered into prominence on the back of Green Day who owed a great deal of their success to the grunge scene.

Green Day along with Offspring and many others were simply Weezers with fewer chords and effect pedals. If it weren't for these pop bands sneaking into the otherwise super grunged-out radio airwaves we would never have gotten the pop backlash that struck those same dials.

Suddenly a Nirvana song was followed by a Soundgarden song, followed by a Green Day song followed by Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" which went into Eve 6's "Inside Out" at which point you were already turning into a musical idiot. I'm no fan of Nirvana now and I was only slightly a fan then. I had already discovered Ween, They Might Be Giants, Pixies, and some slightly off the radar bands and was falling into that but Green Day did kick off a shitty pop-punk phase that I'm embarrassed to talk about.

After hearing "Inside Out" the radio stations started to slip in Sugar Ray, Smashmouth, fucking shit, even Hootie and the Blowfish had their moment. It was awful adult contemporary and it was pretending to be "alternative," which lost all meaning at the same time I lost all interest in Nirvana. How could something be both alternative and be charting so high? It doesn't work that way. What was really upsetting was three bands with one very common link:


On the surface they are pretty different, RHCP have always had some sort of credibility (thanks Flea) where Sugar Ray was the obvious over-hypedness of a slightly attractive lead singer and Third Eye Blind was...I don't really know, I guess they had some hits but the world has never really been able to explain it. So what do they have in common??? Tone-deaf lead singers.

Nobody really cared about Anthony Kiedis, he's pretty fucking awful but people didn't care at the time and now he's probably at least a little better. Unlistenable:

Nobody cares about Third Eye Blind, I won't even bother with a link because I'm not going to give anyone any reason to remember them.

But Sugar fucking Ray. There is no finer example of a bunch of douche bags with no talent becoming famous than this right here (try to stick with it):

And in this clip we see why there are so many disillusioned failures walking among us today. We all have some calling to become famous, we all deserve it. We tweet, we blog, we seek our own slice of fame. We find ourselves hilarious and entertaining. We believe we are special. All we really want is the life we deserve because in the end Mark McGrath is famous so don't we deserve it too?

Mark McGrath sir, you are the reason Americans are reality obsessed ass holes who have an inborn belief that they are somehow entitled to be rich and famous. With your complete lack of talent and "best looking kid in the trailer park" looks you've shown everyone how easy it can be if you just suck the correct cock.

And yes, he is in fact ugly. Look at him. American teenage girls were told to think he was good looking because it was a transitional phase. First these young girls fell in love with Kurt Cobain who took it open himself to do a little plastic surgery, via a shotgun in his face-hole. They they either turned down BoyBand Road or SoftRockDouche Lane, which certainly included Steven Jenkins from Third Eye Blind but the class president was Mark McGrath.

I do not say that Americans are ass holes for believing they are owed some level of fame and pretend for a moment that I am above this. I've tried to record an album, I find myself to be attractive, hilarious, intelligent, and at times I almost think I could "make it" but at the end of the day I have nothing to say that isn't said a million times over by a million other people across the planet and thankfully I know that. But I'm not above anyone and I'm not saying that I am, at times I suffer from The Mark McGrath Disease but I snap out of it quickly.

Hopefully someday all these fucktards who go on reality shows will see that, while they are probably more talented (in every way) than McGrath, the sun only shines on the dog's ass hole a few times a century and Ryan Seacrest has used up most of the Universe's free ticket allowance for the next 10-20 years.

So get in line with all of the other untalented people and bring me a sandwich if you think of it because I'll be there too - even though I have no preconceived notion that I am deserving of any sort of fame. I'm only there so that if I ever get to the front I can slap Mark McGrath in the face and quietly return to my life.

1 comment:

Exit 11 said...

Hahahaha! This is a great post. You know 'Jumper' was one of our most popular covers so it did serve some purpose in our lives!