Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Painting Your Stupid Apartment.

There has been too much "I'll tell you about that later" going on within this blog lately but I'm about to say it again because I signed a new lease today, with my girlfriend and this is the first time in my life when I'm moving in with a GF and her alone. I'm not as nervous as I should be but....wait for it...more on that later. Now I'm going to relive my current place a little.

This apartment is not unlike Jewel's hands; it's small, I know...but it is my own. It's served me very well, despite this having been one of the shittiest years of my life. The leg cancer thing really dampened the mood of the overall year honestly, so despite the grand and wonderful things that happened to me the overall tone is sour...or lumpy.

But I do not blame my apartment for this! (please read that last sentence a few times, aloud, and really play it up as a politician would. Keep trying until you get it just so, we'll all compare at a later date.)

In lieu of decorating I often opt to paint. This is mostly because I really don't know what kind of style I wanted to go for, I suppose mostly an organized clutter but my brain organizes clutter so that it's no longer clutter and the process of building up to the amount of pieces I would need is maddening to me. It's like growing a beard, the first few weeks are awkward but then you end up looking like a really sexy...well, you end up looking like a dude with a beard.
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As evidenced here, I can wait the beard time but the collecting time never really happened.

Just before my leg thing I painted. I fucking painted hard core too. Here is how you do it.

STEP 1
Pick a wall, take some shit off.


STEP 2
Tape some more shit off.


STEP 3
Realize you've already fucked up, take off some tape and paint an obnoxious color as your base.


STEP 4
Try to be random with your color selections, this "random act" took me a few hours of drawing on a piece of paper, flipping several coins and finally just crying over paint swatches.





STEP 5
Tape more boxes...also, forget to take a picture of this step; if only to remind the world that you aren't without your own flaws.

STEP 6
This one you can't be random with, you need to really plan the colors so that you don't overlap the same ones. That's the type of shit that will get you uninvited to next years Christmas party.



STEP 7
Wait a bunch of beers (5-15) and then peel the tape off the wall.



STEP 8
Move in closer and take another picture.





WARNING: REAL LIFE TIPS AHEAD:
Paint fumes are not as good for you as scientists and doctors used to think (side note: did you know doctors no longer think Camel cigarettes are good for you?!?). So to minimize the fumes there are 5 steps to take, these really work:

  1. Open all your windows. If you didn't already know this "hint" please also note that you should not drink the paint.
  2. Fans, put them around your place. Again, if you've read this far and you don't know this you're obviously just looking for more pictures of me with a beard.
  3. Vanilla. Yes, the shit you add to pancakes sometimes, just to make yourself feel fancy. You can add this to paint. While it doesn't actually do anything about the fumes it does help with the smell, which means you can inhale the fumes without even knowing. Yay! You can add a few drops or (I've heard) up to a small bottle. Just mix up the paint again afterwards and you're good to go. Plus your roommate (read: spouse) will think you're cooking something yummy and when they realize you aren't they be so set on eating something sweet that they may go get you a Twix ice cream bar.
  4. Onions. Chop a few large onions up and put them on plates, spread them around the room. Put about 2 bowls out as well, with enough water to just cause some floating action. This will actually work on 3 levels; 1. it actually absorbs fumes, 2. the smell overpowers most anything, 3. the smell overpowers most anything - saves shower water, saves the earth, makes you seem really green and shit.
  5. Vinegar. Seriously what the fuck can't you do with vinegar? This absorbs the fumes and also stanks the joint out a bit. The smell of vinegar actually isn't nearly as potent as the rest of these so don't worry too much about it.

And that's it kids! Now you can spend an entire weekend painting your wall, only to hate the yellow you used as a base and paint over it some, 18 days later.

(NOTE: YES, SHIT IS UNDERLINED. YES I FUCKED UP (SEE STEP 5 ABOVE.) I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, I DON'T CARE, JUST FUCKING LET IT RIDE.)


3 comments:

Exit 11 said...

That looks awesome man! Is that your current apartment or your new one?

SeaEych said...

Dear Mr. Exit 11, This is from my current (old) apartment. I'll soon be painting this wall white, it's now somewhat Scrubs-blue-green. The yellow was too much.

Exit 11 said...

I've thought about painting my walls but haven't taken the leap yet...I just put stuff up. Here's my favorite wall. http://www.flickr.com/photos/nopicturesplease/4675578402/in/set-72157623160872364/