Monday, July 26, 2010

News From The Field

I'll be the first to admit that I'm an expert in literally nothing, to the point where, if you quizzed me about my own stupid life I'd get most things wrong. However, I will not let that stop me from criticizing, chastising, and commenting on other people, be they nameless marketers, hookers, or professional football players.

These are notes from the field...

How hooker-ish do you have to be to justify going back and renaming things you've done in the past? For example, this album would be much more "real" if it were called "When I Was White," "Before I Turned Whore," or "Used To Be Less Scary (but you still knew I was a bitch.)" Maybe you have a better re-album idea.

Have you ever been Thousand Oaks, CA or Westlake Village, CA? These cities are about 12 minutes old and the only "ethnics" you see are rentals (bridge and tunnel if that sounds like a dickish statement.) I'm not saying these cities lack for culture, diversity, or anything interesting...I'm just saying, this is a reggae band. And where do they play? Why in an independent restaurant that models itself after TGIFridays, Applebees, or other tasteless houses of vomit.

Small picture, I know. This is up on a billboard on La Cienega and Santa Monica in West Hollywood, logic would tell me that this ad runs about 100k a minute and this company (I didn't place the tree there to block their name, I just didn't feel like walking for another angle) decides to use this ad. You can't really tell from this picture but it looks like a couple of corpses, on spit rods with cherries in their mouth. They look beyond dead. For the record, ladies, those big fake lips that a lot of (super fucking creepy) ladies (in Beverly Hills) get, are not attractive. In fact, when given the choice, I'd much rather eat all of my remaining meals at an Applebee's.
I didn't get around to opening this card because it looks stupid but I'm pretty sure the inside says something like:

"Ben Roethlisberger wishes you a Rapey Birthday!" Which, I find offensive...but as you can tell I'm very sensitive.


I have recently become the (new) father of two lovely kitties. I've found myself actually telling people "I love cats," with the ease that may leave them believing that this was always the case, it wasn't, but it's very true now. I love the smell of cats, I love messing with them, and I love the feeling of them purring on your chest...I think it's called 'purring.'

Anyway, as a new cat father I don't know all the ins and outs just yet. Do I feed them or do I just hope there are mice in the house? Should I put water out or is the ramp I built going to the toilet ample? Where the fuck is Paddy's Pub so I can buy me some of them Kitten Mittens?? And are they really OneSizeFitsAll??

This here is Elvis. I was teaching him to fetch the football and he was relaxing afterwards. I went into the living room and drank a few (12) beers. What happened next was an absolute tragedy, luckily it sobered me up and I saved the day.

You may think that only dolphins are stupid enough to get caught in those plastic six-pack holders because the picture below is real fucking life people....this shit really happened! Look at how tangled up he got himself.

You can see the fear in his eyes and the fear in my hand (could be a cat treat, remember...12 fucking beers!) But luckily I was able to free him.

I'm learning a lot about cats and teaching a lot of other people about life as I go. How are you contributing to society, life, your neighborhood, your local recycling plant, or you friend's health??

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