Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Acceptable Pets

I found a book on leaving the state of bachelorhood buried underneath my toilet a few years back. Here is a sample of the poetic and wonderful words of wisdom that it held. Right, I know it sounds as if I have written this myself but trust me, I didn't...although I had a very nice buzz on last night and there is no way of telling what I did or didn't do.


How many times must I tell everyone that I'm engaged...for the first time ever. Which means I'm better than anyone whose every been divorced, broken an engagement, or anyone who is in a "long term relationship." Basically I'm fucking winning at life, the aforementioned are...well surviving at best. I have a huge heart though! Literally. Doctors are fearful. So I'm here to help in my continuing series on Bachelordome: A Made Up Word But Real Words Of Wisdom (a working title.)

Today's installment: Pets.

The kind of animal you choose, as a single man, says a lot about you. Do not think for a minute that it is a decision that should be based on your own inward desires. So far your desires have left you single, lonely, nearly broke, and slightly rounded at every possible edge and corner of your body...basically, your desires, wants, and opinions of yourself are broken. You might think snakes are cool, read on to hear why your wrong...about almost everything.

Firstly, there are 3 acceptable pets; dogs, cats and fish. Out of those three you can refer to only two of them as pets - dogs and cats. On the other hand fish are simply decorations that cost consistent money to keep alive. Any other sort of animal is unacceptable and often overtly pathetic.

Ferrets, chinchillas, mice, hamsters and other furry animals are ways to tell the world that you are desperate to be considered creative or wacky or out-of-the-norm but really all they say is "I'm a guy who both tries to hard and doesn't try at all." Do you have a crazy single Aunt who you thought was cool until you turned 14, only to realize that a fridge with only mustard and A1 sauce isn't "cool" but lonely and sad? If you don't have this Aunt do you know a spinster like this? Good! She is exactly who you are attracting.

If a woman comes over and says "oh my god, you have xyz as a pet! How adorable are you?!?" She's honestly asking that question, it is not rhetorical. She is wondering aloud if you're cute or a boring loser who only wears the same khakis to work and to the bar only switching form shoes to sandals.

Note: we'll get to guys wearing sandals at a later date, just know this know...don't fucking do it.

Snakes, lizards, reptiles, any fucking animal that requires a heating lamp to keep alive: all of these "animals" are worse ideas than sleeping in line for Twilight because these animals are a dead give away that you either did sleep in line for Twilight or (perhaps worse) for the Metallica movie that came out...whenever that movie came out.

Living in LA I see dudes with pony tails walking down Hollywood Blvd. with snakes and I think; "wow, there goes a guy who screams 'fuck yeah Mama' during sex and then cries immediately after shooting his abnormally small load onto the third fat roll of his, still sweaty from her leather pants, partner. You think my assessment is bleak? Ask a girl who is above a 4 what she thinks of dudes with this "animals," you'll soon see how kind I'm being.

Fish. Fine, but don't be all weird about it and name them. If you own fish it should be for the challenge that is keeping them alive. It's the science, not the 'companionship' which doesn't exist. Unless you have a goldfish, then you best be a complete pot head seeking the same.

Dear Craigslist: Complete pot-head seeks same. Enjoys smoking weed looking at fish while listing to Phish. Makes a great grilled cheese and would love to make grilled cheese. Also loves Phish.

Cat's are a bit trickier than dogs for a single guy. For reasons that I don't care to go into right now (read: I'm drunk) I cannot go further into this, but there will be an entire page devoted to proper bachelor ownership of a cat, at a later date. Here are a few things to remember when owning a cat, sans significant woman in your life.
  1. Pick a funny name. Something creative would help or something about the way they look. ie: Love-Box 9,000. Mister Cheesington. (note: switching the sex for the name makes it creative, Mister Cheesington should be a female.)
  2. If you're not creative, funny, or interesting at all pick a name with a story. ie: I named her Lola after the Kinks song, which was the first song I heard after I learned my father was being returned to the US after spending 12 years as a POW.
  3. Have a girl cat. I'm not sure why, it just helps if your a dude. It's way less creepy when you call her "sweety," or "poo-poo," or "peanut-butter-champion."
  4. Love animals but recognize that a dog requires too much time.
Dogs. Oh fuck, again, this could go on forever. Let me break it down real quick for you, by category.
  1. Little dogs. Don't do it!!! There are a few exceptions; it's your 2nd dog, it was willed to you, or it's a working dog. By no means should you have a toy breed and be single at the same time...unless you're a pussy and you want everyone to know that right up front.
  2. Mutts. Yes! Yes! Yes! Women love nothing more than a slightly scraggled dog with a jagged tooth that you rescued from the pound when (s)he was 5 because it had been there for 2 years already and nobody was going to take it home. Honestly, this will also be the best dog you'll ever own. It'll love and appreciate you in ways that will make your mother realize what a failure she is as a parent.
  3. "Mean Breeds." Personally, I think it's all about how you raise a dog but nothing says "I'm really insecure and I used to get beat up a lot," like having a big mean dog. If you own one of these just resign yourself to being single until the dog has gone the way of the...of, let's see...I guess, gone the way of a dead fucking dog.

Whatever you decide remember to spend good time naming your new pet, or at least coming up with a fun and creative back-story that will tickle the girl (or woman for you lucky few out there who feel you're up to that challenge) you will one day try win over.

I wish you, as always, luck...we all know you need it.

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