Thursday, June 10, 2010

Women Getting Ready

My girlfriend said she was interested to hear what guys think about when a girl is getting ready. Unfortunately she doesn't have internet, television, or an EZ Bake Oven so thinking is all I'm really left with. I suppose I could read but then I'd be reading, sounds awful right?

So yes, I am writing this so that my girlfriend will continue to eat cheescake from the platter at 11:30pm with me but also as a lesson to every single person in the world. If you're a woman, listen up, this is what you're missing. If you're a man, keep reading because you're probably doing it wrong.

First a little code-breaking:
  1. "Okay sweetie, I'll be ready in ___ minutes." This is an example of woman-math. I'm not saying that women can't do math, in fact I think they're the smarter sex, that is to say they're mead intelligence is greater than that of the male population, all I'm really saying is there is math, then there is getting ready, girl-math. The equation is fairly easy, you take what ever number of minutes they said, double it and then add a fuck turd more time onto the end of it. 15 minutes = at least 39-47 minutes. This is the exact amount of time you have to accomplish anything you need to accomplish, so long as it doesn't involve you going into the bathroom...just don't go in the fucking bathroom.
  2. "Does this look alright," actually means "this is only the first outfit, there will be more...many more, sight tight and put down that beer I don't want my mother/friends to think you're an alcoholic." Be honest with your answer here, if she does't look great tell her it's not your favorite outfit. You're fucked anyway, you might as well go down with dignity (note: if you're interested there is a great movie called "Going Down on Dignity.")
  3. "...but I'm not going to wash my hair." This is a time saving gambit many girls employ, the thought is that the time it would take to wash, dry, and style their hair would take too long and she would rather ask, with trepidation throughout the night, "are you sure my hair doesn't look greasy." And this is an unfair question because you wash your own hair twice a week (read: month) and you don't really care, by this point your pillow case has a higher fat content than bacon.
I'm sure there are some more codes that I'm leaving out, I apologize but in due time. If you have any questions about this section I can try my best to help you out, just leave them in the comment, email me directly, or just pray them to me.

Onward!!! What do we think about/what should we think about when getting ready?
  1. When she says that she's going to get ready the first thing we think is, "let me quickly finish this beer so that I can open another one before the 'why are you opening that now, I'm almost ready' time. Done! Do it! If this means you're doubled up for a few minutes just hid it and do your best to keep both chilled.
  2. The shower is over and now she's in the bathroom. You say, "Can you leave the door open so we can talk?" If you're like me you love your girlfriend, you love listening to what she has to say, you love seeing her naked, and she makes you laugh so much that it's literally stupid to think you wouldn't want to chat while she puts on make-up.
  3. Why do girls wear make-up often comes to mind. A woman is most beautiful right in the morning, their faces shine with the possibilities of hitting the snooze, the make-up is all removed, they look natural, they look beautiful and their breath smells like a fresh, crisp, Spring's compost pile. Listen women, you're better looking than us, it's that simple, you don't really need make-up every time.
  4. When the make-up is done, Man realizes the reason make-up can be great. Yes, everything in #3 is true but still make-up has it's place (at this point I'm wondering if all women are getting annoyed by the way I type make-up because I don't really know/care if that's the proper way.) Clitoris envy is starting to set in.
Quick note on clitoris envy.
I've heard the term "penis envy" before but I've never been sitting around watching the sports television with the guys, screaming "Go team of men" at the television and called out for more chips only to brush fingers with a friend and think, "fuck, I wish I had Derrick's penis." But when I think about being in a warm/dark/romantic place all day long...the only time I come out of my little cave is when it's time to orgasm...suffice it to say, I believe in one, and only one, form or 'dirty part envy.'
  1. (back to 1 because I don't know how to fix that...anyway.) Women, make-up, hair, it's unfair really. Not only are they the more attractive sex but they can also change their appearance in ways that men cannot. It's amazing that they were built be amazing beautiful creatures and we were built to be annoying, hairy, odor inventing, assholes, with awkward bodies. I think about this for a while, maybe it's the reason I needed the second beer in the first place.
  2. The only part about a woman's ready-getting that makes no sense to me is the amount of worry it causes them. While I fully understand the need to get everything just right, to feel like a million dollars, or like the most beautiful version of themselves, or like they hold the key to forever curing athlete's foot as they walk out the door but what drives me a bit insane is that they (and now I'm speaking of my girlfriend who is better than your girlfriend) already look like that, without effort.
  3. You've sat and waited, being jealous, patient, and slightly buzzed, but not comes the critical walk out the door moment. This is important because you best not have 1 more thing to do. She's ready dammit...you had all that time, granted she was in the bathroom so you couldn't really use it but there is certainly a bush within walking distance, or a Bush, which would not only work but make you cooler in my mind. So be fucking ready when she is or face the not so pretty consequences.
Guys: be thankful you don't have to go through what girls go through. If you're fly is zipped and you don't have an obvious boner showing, you're pretty much ready to roll. It's not so easy for them. Think about it this way, before you shower in a group setting at the gym, country club, prison, or family reunion you always go pee first, where you fluff it, just a little. Well, girls have to fluff themselves every time you leave the house and don't be jealous they aren't fluffing themselves so that other dudes will want to fluff them, they're doing it so other girls will think "I wish I could fluff like that."

Girls: yes, it took you a little longer to get ready than you thought, but not longer than we thought, so be happy when you're done. If it helps take a picture of yourself before you get in the shower and look at it once you've completed, sit back and realize what you've done. The man in your life doesn't really care how long it took, just go out wherever he is, ask him if he's ready and walk out the door with him and all the swagger you need, because you deserve that at least. I mean you deserve more but unfortunately all we have to offer is idle chit-chat about 1980's video games and "shit we hate" currently. *It's as if you're doing charity work just dating us.

*Not me. I'm awesome.

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