Saturday, June 5, 2010

Modern Manhood: The Most Important Meal of the Date.

In the dark year* I started many projects, some of which will never be realized, many of which I have completely forgotten about but will occasionally stumble across in an old notebook or on a scrap of paper taped to the bottom of an elephant while on safari in Whittier.

Of all the things I started, or thought of starting, only two have really stuck around and have been occasionally worked on in some way/shape/form. The first of those is my "album" which is a loose term for a bunch of incongruent songs that are recorded at different levels over the span of 10 (probably more like 40) years. A few weeks ago I did a solid amount of work on these songs, someday, when they are more finished, I will post them here, there, or somewhere.

The second project is about to some form.

Modern Manhood
By: C. Hughes
Volume 1
The Most Important Meal of the Date

You've done it! You've brought a girl back to your house, where you will sleep beside her for the evening. Step 1: don't have sex. You don't need to have sex on the first sleep over night, not if you're looking for a real relationship. Rather than submerging your penis you should build trust, the best way to do so - show that you can sleep next to her without constantly rubbing your boner on her back, legs, stomach, etc. A dry humping is fine, but when you begin to chaff (and possibly bleed) excuse yourself from the situation. Slip away into sleep.

The morning has come! She is still there! It's as if you're doing something right, for the first time in your life, congratulations are almost in order but there are still many opportunities to fuck this up before the afternoon ever even has a chance to begin. So you must continue to make her comfortable. Lie there, talk. Pee, brush your teeth, go back and talk some more. Avoid farting, it's still too early in your relationship.

While you are laying there with her tell her how much you'd love to make a simple breakfast while she's getting ready. You must talk her into this because it is the most important meal of your relationship; the tone-setting-breakfast. "I'll just put something together really quick," don't lie and say you love cooking if you don't, don't lie and say you're good at it if you aren't, there is only one lie and that is the lie that you are just 'throwing something together.' No, my friends, you will not simply throw some eggs into a pan, that is not how we win. You are going to crush this breakfast the same way you are crushing the spirits of her other suitors.

It's important to have a few 'go-to' meals for breakfast and dinner. These meals are the ones you can cook a million times and never screw them up. Look around at the menu of your favorite restaurants, pick a few fancy sounding meals, go home and look them up on the internet. Learn them inside and out. These dishes will come in handy a million times over, so long as you perfect them. Just by practicing these few (say 3 breakfast, 5 dinner) dishes over and over you will also learn the basics of know, if you're a rube.

She's getting ready and you're in the kitchen, your moment is now! You are about to debut a 'go-to' dish for the lady of your dreams, don't fuck up - this is why you've practiced this dish a million times. And in a few minutes when she walks out of the bathroom and you aren't done, just tell her to hang out for a minute, watch television, read a magazine (if you have Maxim in your apartment just forget this girl and admit to yourself your life has been a waste and will continue to be the same,) or, best idea of all, she can join you in the kitchen. Don't let her help though, (a) you want her to see that you can do this on your own and (b) you want to treat her to a nice breakfast.

I don't give a shit what you made; eggs Benedict, crepes, chocolate-coconut pancakes, it really doesn't matter. What matters is 3 things: this is not a breakfast that one just 'whips' up - it's thoughtful, the breakfast tastes good, and (perhaps most importantly) the presentation is nice. A simple way to jazz up any presentation is to cut up some fresh fruit and put it on the plate; banana, apple, pear, strawberry, etc. I give examples because some asshole would probably slice blueberries in half and put them on the plate. Any berry will work, just don't be a fucknut and cut them.

Good luck with your first breakfast. The next time you'll tell her to wait in bed and you feed her another one of your 'go-to' dishes. And if you've successfully pulled off this breakfast (and you aren't a sloppy bag of oatmeal looking sloth) I promise there will be a next time. Listen, anyone can be a dick, only 84.2% of men can be nice with a little effort.

(note: no statistics have been researched.)

*my first year in Albany was horrific...much much more on this someday soon.


Hi. My name is Caroline, and I like strange things. said...

For Christ's sake, I hope this gets published.

SeaEych said...

It's painfully obvious that the world needs my advice, glad you recognize this simple fact as well.