Monday, May 3, 2010

When I'm President

Today, I can proclaim to the world with 100 percent assuredness that, as surely as I will one day walk on the sun I will also be elected to the highest office in the land. Yes, I will be the president of the United States of America, unlike my friend Alturk who aspires to be vice-president and at the least speaker of the international house of pancakes. My sights, however are set much higher. Rather than worry about policy my campaign will focus on some things that all presidents get wrong these days. Here are my non-issue-issues.

Firstly I will not vacation. There is plenty of travel involved with the job already. My family will have grown up by the time I run and my wife has grown tired of me already. Believe me, working 365 days a year will be a welcome escape from the rut my life will be in at the time I run. Yes, I will slack off from time to time, mostly after 11am each day, I will do so from my office, plane, mobile office, or submarine.

There will finally be Submarine-One, when I’m elected. It’s going to be cool as shit too. I’m going to have one of those round beds in there and everything will be very 1970’s because I’m sure people were pretty in to submarines in the 70’s.

No professional or college sports teams will be visiting my office. I like sports as much as most Iraqi children like the Detroit Lions but I feel this is outdated and a huge waste of time. You won the league, you make millions of dollars, what the fuck do you need me for? You don’t. Honestly I would like to meet with some of you but only in my teams win and when I say teams that’s assuming I start to enjoy more sports than currently are on my roster of zero to one. I’ll send one of those e-cards that don’t cost any money. “Congratulations on winning you’re THE LEAGUE! We all loved following your season, especially that time against your rivals when you almost were going to lose/win! How crazy right?? Remember to floss, dental hygiene is important no matter the month.”

Every month will be wiped clean. No longer will February be Black History Mont, dental hygiene month, Corgi awareness month, whale nectar tasting month, and scat porn month. No, to this I say clean slate. We will auction off the months to the highest moral bidder. This is to say that if the NAACP wants January as Black History Month and Coke wants January to be Coke History Month we will see who has the better reason. Right off the bat I’m going to side with the NAACP because I despise soda but I’m going to have to play impartial referee between the two. The beautiful kicker is the that the loser will have to pay a hefty fine for having wasted my time. They may have to meet with that year’s sports winners – while I like this idea we will have to think tank that over at HeadQuarters.

Camp David will be renamed “Overnight Camp for World Leaders.” I’ll then invite the leaders of all different countries over for scary stories, mostly about my wanting to bomb them; smores, this will depend on if I invite a cocoa producing nation or not; and our first homosexual experiences, making our meetings afterwards very awkward. Can you imagine the Swedish President or Premier or whatever they are (mental note, learn some of this shit incase my opponent gets all dickish in our debates) watching me and the President of Antarctica speaking after a OCWL session, the Swedish dude will totes know that I forced the Antarcticbro to make out and look at my wiener. Can you imagine the power I would have?

All those who oppose equal rights for everyone will be forced to give up the very rights they oppose. If you’re against gay marriage you can’t get married. If you’re against illegal immigrants assimilating naturally you will have the burden of proof that your first ancestor became a citizen legally (I like this one a lot.) If you ever voted for or owned a pin for Sarah Palin you have to move to Alaska.

I will allow Alaska to succeed from the union…gladly. Once they are gone we will bomb the fuck out of them and take them over. We will allow them to succeed again. We will then bomb them. We will do this for as long as it takes until they realize how much they love being American. Check it out Canada, Mexico, we’re done fucking around.

NAFTA will be abolished. This was President Clinton’s biggest mistake, it’s killing our industry and ruining Mexico. Plus we can’t compete with Canadian timber. Right? Right.

Tax rates will be as followed: If you’re rich as all fucktard you’ll be allowed to take home $2 million dollars if you’re single, $2.5 if you’re married, and you’ll get an extra $500,000 per child. That’s it. We are taking the rest. Nobody born poor becomes rich unless they accidentally suck the right guys penis and get thrown into a movie. So those of you who will complain about wealth redistribution please understand this; at 26 years old I was making $60,000, if you’re 40+ and making less than me you’re fucked. I’m helping you most of all so stop being so fucking stupid and republican.

(R) and (D) will forever be abolished. All the god damned minions will be forced to listen to the actual issues. I know it’s going to suck especially since, we are going to nationally subsidize news, your anchors can make as much as the highest paid teacher in a public high school in the town or city from which they broadcast. There will be no multimillion dollar O’Reilly shows or Maddow shows. Nope, it’ll be people who care about news, people, and not ratings. Don’t like it? Move to Alaska but for fuck’s sake, bring a helmet.

Finally, 4 day work week, full month of vacation, and a 35 hour work week. That’s it. I would also like to have more water slide parks but that is going to be the cherry atop the second term.

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