The list of things that make me nervous in this world is about double the length of Oprah’s grocery list. Suffice it to say, I’ve never had a shortage of paranoia in my life. Anything from the mundane fear of driving to the somewhat crippling inability to use 2 different types of cleaners on the same day, I can span all fears. Today I’m conquering one that has been on my list for some time.
Today, my good friends, I’m whitening my teeth.
I’ll either be the first person in history to give himself completely white gums or I’ll swallow way too much and actually die. Can you imagine the services, or my friend’s explanations to their bosses; “well, he was young, it’s really sad, so can I have Thursday off,” they would ask, and eventually ‘what happened’ would arise, to which, one can only imagine they would feel embarrassment for me. It’s difficult to be embarrassed when your dead but it’s even harder to check things off your to do list. My list is all written for someone who is still alive; perhaps that’s a flaw in my planning.
I chose the Rembrandt 2 Hour Whitening System after reading a few Amazon reviews in line at CVS. Amazon, while I hardly use it to actually order things, has become my most trusted source of reviews, anywhere. I’ve read recently that Yelp pads their reviews depending upon if the stores give up the $ for ads and shit like that, so I can’t even trust yelp anymore. Not that I would go to yelp for a tooth whitening review. Anyway, Amazon said to use Rembrandt so here I am, mouthful of spit, waiting another three minutes before my first rinsing.
It goes like this: 20 minutes on, 10 minutes off, 20/10, 20/10, and 20/10. Basically it’s enough time to get started on something and then not be able to finish it, which is perfect for my ADD.
Maybe I should let you all know that my cleaner days have also been conquered, at least somewhat. It stems from first hearing about mixing bleach and ammonia, I got nervous cleaning a window outside of my house with window shit and then cleaning the shower, inside and totally on the other side of the house, with some sort of shower cleaner. What if residue was hanging out on my hands? What if they mixed and I was killed as a result.
First 20 minutes is up. Time to rinse.
Holy shit, they actually look whiter. I’ll know this works when I see my girlfriend later, if she notices something different. She won’t. Then I’ll tell her and she’ll say; “oh yeah, I thought something was different,” no she didn’t but it’s sweet of her to say so…or rather, it will be sweet of her to say something assuming she will.