Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Internet. Sort of.

Last night I had a few beers with Georgia and we walked home (to my place) from a party. Along the way we stopped into a little shop who is open late, it's a little vintage place. Georgia offered to buy clothes for them or something, I offered to drink the sangria that was free and keep my fucking mouth sealed shut. She chatted with the woman who owns the place and eventually got her email address. I didn't know this to be the case until I just opened up the notebook on my cell phone to see it there. It's a hotmail account. Nothing says, "I don't use the internets very good" like giving someone an email address that ends with It's either that or they person is saying "here's an account that I don't use anymore, save for assholes such as yourself."

My computer comes from work and it was previously used by an older guy on the East Coast. He was fired for being old as fuck and drunk a lot...or because he sucked at his job, who really knows. I only met him twice and he seemed like a drunk uncle who you sort of stay away from at the family party until you are drunk yourself - at which time you go up to him and ask him to recall fucked up shit about his youth, he'll do it, you'll go back and tell your friends about it. In fact, other than the creepy factor, I hope my nephews brag about my life at some point. I guess that means I should start doing more stupid shit, increase my baseline stories.

Alls I'm really saying is I wanted to post something today because now I'm seeing how many people are looking at my site, I just set that shit up and I'm excited to find out. On my phone's notebook I have different post ideas but the got in the way. So this is what you get, shit about the internet that makes you seem like a rube.

Firstly if you are using anything other than google or bing you're probably at least 1/4 retarded, and if you're using Bing you're most definitely a republican - which is fine (except that it isn't fine at all.) I think that Yahoo is good for going to see what middle America is doing, via their front page, but why search with it? Is the the exclamation point? Fuck, I do love over punctuating.

I won't get into social networking because it seems that I'm alone in hating this with a passion that burns when I piss. MySpace is no longer acceptable unless you are in a band, want to hear a song from a band, or from Singapore. Facebook is, I hate to tell all of you assholes this, equally fucking worthless. "But I catch up with people I haven't seen in years." Fuck you. Listen, there are a ton of people I haven't seen in years and guess what...I'm not fucking looking for them. I would get friend requests from my friend's old high school girlfriend's grandmother. My "Suggested Friends" looked like a graveyard of girls who I dated once or my friends dated for a month. Please stop. Tumblr and Twitter, you don't need more than that.

When I used to go through Reddit a lot there was such a buzz around Maddox coming back into the blogging scene. I've met him, he seems like a nice enough dude but honestly do we need him? And he seems to rail against people who would go ape-shit for him "coming back," honestly wouldn't we all rather see an Epic return of Cliff Yablonski? Or would that be a Fail?

You internet people have ruined many a fine word with your white-collar ebonics but what you've done to the words epic and fail will never stop pissing me off.

It has crossed my mind, as well, that people are still probably jerking off to a series of 5-10 second porn your son, as him where the longer clips are, he'll tell you. Porn is free now. Sure, it's going to ruin the industry but then again, it's going to ruin the industry! Which may force your son out of the house, maybe he'll actually find a girlfriend, maybe you'll have granddaughters...she'll probably get into porn because it's all a big fucking cycle. Have no fear though, you're penis will have long since died - you're not far behind it either.

The cynicism has hit level 9...that means I must be leaving.

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